Famous Funny Quotes on Women: By Laurence J. Peter,Cindy Crawford,Carrie Snow,Dave Barry,Marcel Achard,Bill Maher,Marianne Williamson and others

Some quotes are a little naughty and funny please don't mind and take it as a part of fun nothing personal towards women these are just quoted text from famous people :-)

• If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.  ~Dave Barry
  

• Women like silent men.  They think they're listening.  ~Marcel Achard, Quote, 4 November 1956
  

• Sure God created man before woman.  But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.  ~Author Unknown
  

• Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.  ~Marianne Williamson, "A Woman's Worth"
  

• Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.  ~Bill Maher
  

• A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.  ~Carrie Snow
  

• You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs.  All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy.  Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.  ~Cindy Crawford
  

• Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.  ~Laurence J. Peter
  

• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.  ~Author Unknown
  

• A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.  ~Arnold Haultain
  

• Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.  ~Charlotte Whitton
  

• Women are always beautiful.  ~Ville Valo
  

• The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.  ~Ellery Queen
  

• Curve:  The loveliest distance between two points.  ~Mae West
  

• Can you imagine a world without men?  No crime and lots of happy fat women.  ~Nicole Hollander
  

• Women get the last word in every argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.  ~Author Unknown
  

• Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage.  ~Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly
  

• A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad.  An optimist is a man who hopes they are.  ~Chauncey Mitchell Depew
  

• The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself.  ~Elizabeth Metcalf
  

• There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.  ~Madeleine K. Albright
  

• A man's face is his autobiography.  A woman's face is her work of fiction.  ~Oscar Wilde
  

• There's something luxurious about having a girl light your cigarette.  In fact, I got married once on account of that.  ~Harold Robbins
  

• When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.  ~Author Unknown
  

• Men get laid, but women get screwed.  ~Quentin Crisp
  

• The most popular image of the female despite the exigencies of the clothing trade is all boobs and buttocks, a hallucinating sequence of parabolae and bulges.  ~Germaine Greer
  

• Whether they give or refuse, it delights women just the same to have been asked.  ~Ovid
  

• Howiver, I'm not denyin' the women are foolish:  God Almighty made 'em to match the men.  ~George Eliot, "The Harvest Supper," Adam Bede
  

• Women are like elephants to me.  I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.  ~W.C. Fields
  

• Women really do rule the world.  They just haven't figured it out yet.  When they do, and they will, we're all in big big trouble.  ~"Doctor Leon," drleons.com
  

• Ah, women.  They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.  ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
  

• I expect Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.  ~George Meredith
  

• Men who don't like girls with brains don't like girls.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• Women keep a special corner of their hearts for sins they have never committed.  ~Cornelia Otis Skinner
  

• Lovely female shapes are terrible complicators of the difficulties and dangers of this earthly life, especially for their owners.  ~George du Maurier
  

• Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right - instantly.  ~Sam Slick (Thomas Chandler Haliburton)
  

• The essence of life is the smile of round female bottoms, under the shadow of cosmic boredom.  ~Guy de Maupassant
  

• I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.  ~Ogden Nash
  

• When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces.  Women go right on cooking.  ~Gail Sheehy
  

• The torment that so many young women know, bound hand and foot by love and motherhood, without having forgotten their former dreams.  ~Simone de Beauvoir
  

• They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.  ~Author Unknown
  

• Be to her virtues very kind,Be to her faults a little blind.~Matthew Prior

• They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such bagatelle; but to me a modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation.  ~Oliver Goldsmith
  

• A highbrow is a man who has found something more interesting than women.  ~Edgar Wallace
  

• It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  

• You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was really made from his funny bone.  ~J.M. Barrie, What Every Woman Knows
  

• If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.  ~Aristotle Onassis
  

• Men will always delight in a woman whose voice is lined with velvet.  ~Brendan Francis
  

• Men really prefer reasonably attractive women; they go after the sensational ones to impress other men.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• I married beneath me - all women do.  ~Nancy Astor, speech, Oldham, England, 1951
  

• Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.  ~Elsa Schiaparelli
  

• Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weakness.  ~Marie de Vichy-Chamrond, Marquise du Deffand, Letters to Voltaire
  

• If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.  ~Art Buchwald, 1974
  

• Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.  ~Oscar Wilde
  

• She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.  ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1973
  

• It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.  ~Alexandre Dumas, fils
  

• I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.  ~Fred Allen
  

• When a woman comes to her glass, she does not employ her time in making herself look more advantageously what she really is, but endeavours to be as much another creature as she possibly can.  Whether this happens because they stay so long and attend their work so diligently that they forget the faces and persons which they first sat down with, or whatever it is, they seldom rise from the toilet the same woman they appeared when they began to dress.  ~Joseph Addison
  

• All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• A woman should soften but not weaken a man.  ~Sigmund Freud
  

• Women are in league with each other, a secret conspiracy of hearts and pheromones.  ~Camille Paglia
  

• When I glimpse the backs of women's knees I seem to hear the first movement of Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony.  ~Author Unknown
  

• A woman wears her tears like jewelry.  ~Author Unknown
  

• If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late?  Nobody.  ~J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye
  

• No woman wants to see herself too clearly.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• I prefer the word homemaker, because housewife always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.  ~Bella Abzug
  

• The basic Female body comes with the following accessories:  garter belt, panti-girdle, crinoline, camisole, bustle, brassiere, stomacher, chemise, virgin zone, spike heels, nose ring, veil, kid gloves, fishnet stockings, fichu, bandeau, Merry Widow, weepers, chokers, barrettes, bangles, beads, lorgnette, feather boa, basic black, compact, Lycra stretch one-piece with modesty panel, designer peignoir, flannel nightie, lace teddy, bed, head.  ~Margaret Atwood
  

• Women go to beauty parlors for the unmussed look men hate.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  

• Women polish the silver and water the plants and wait to be really needed.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
  

• You have to have the kind of body that doesn't need a girdle in order to get to pose in one.  ~Carolyn Kenmore
  

• There are women who do not like to cause suffering to many men at a time, and who prefer to concentrate on one man:  These are the faithful women.  ~Alfred Capus
  

• No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.  ~Author Unknown
  

• Physically, a man is a man for a much longer time than a woman is a woman.  ~Honoré de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage
  

• The girls that are always easy on the eyes are never easy on the heart.  ~Author Unknown
  

• Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt.  Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• I've reached the age where competence is a turn-on.  ~Billy Joel
  

• A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery.  ~Diana Stürm
  

• In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on woman.  ~Nancy Astor, My Two Countries
  

• God did it on purpose so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you.  ~Mrs Patrick Campbell, in reply to a male acquaintance who asked why women seem to have no sense of humor
  

• Men at most differ as Heaven and Earth, but women, worst and best, as Heaven and Hell.  ~Alfred Lord Tennyson
  

• A woman asks little of love:  only that she be able to feel like a heroine.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.  ~Helen Rowland
  

• I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.  ~Stanley Baldwin
  

• I should like to know what is the proper function of women, if it is not to make reasons for husbands to stay at home, and still stronger reasons for bachelors to go out.  ~George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss
  

• Men look at themselves in mirrors.  Women look for themselves.  ~Elissa Melamed
  

• If your husband expects you to laugh, do so; if he expects you to cry, don't; if you don't know what he expects, what are you doing married?  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• Women do not find it difficult nowadays to behave like men, but they often find it extremely difficult to behave like gentlemen.  ~Compton Mackenzie, Literature in My Time, 1933
  

• One is not born a woman, one becomes one.  ~Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex, 1949
  

• Let us leave the beautiful women to men with no imagination.  ~Marcel Proust, Albertine disparue, 1925
  

• Women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty-eight and forty.  ~James Thurber, Time, 15 August 1960
  

• Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.  ~Bette Davis, about Jayne Mansfield
  

• A woman's whole life is a history of the affections.  ~Washington Irving
  

• The man's desire is for the woman; but the woman's desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man.  ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge
  

• After about 20 years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of that one.  And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate.  ~Mel Gibson, about what women want
  

• Women who make men talk better than they are accustomed to are always popular.  ~E.V. Lucas
  

• I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be.  ~Benny Hill
  

• A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares.  ~Elbert Hubbard
  

• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.  ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"
  

• The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.  ~Robert Graves
  

• What men desire is a virgin who is a whore.  ~Edward Dahlbert
  

• Women are afraid of mice and of murder, and of very little in between.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• A woman should be an illusion.  ~Ian Fleming
  

• There are three things men can do with women:  love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.  ~Stephen Stills
  

• It is because of men that women dislike one another.  ~Jean de La Bruyère, Characters, 1688
  

• If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.  ~Thomas Carlyle
  

• Women who feel naked without their lipstick are well over thirty.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• Women are like dogs really.  They love like dogs, a little insistently.  And they like to fetch and carry and come back wistfully after hard words, and learn rather easily to carry a basket.  ~Mary Roberts Rinehart
  

• It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.  ~Tallulah Bankhead
  

• A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful.  ~Karl Kraus
  

• A man chases a woman until she catches him.  ~American Proverb
  

• Variability is one of the virtues of a woman.  It avoids the crude requirement of polygamy.  So long as you have one good wife you are sure to have a spiritual harem.  ~G.K. Chesterton, Alarms and Discursions, 1910
  

• Beauty is the first present Nature gives to women, and the first it takes away.  ~Méré
  

• Brains are an asset, if you hide them.  ~Mae West
  

• With men, as with women, the main struggle is between vanity and comfort; but with men, comfort often wins.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• Once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her.  ~John Vanbrugh, The Relapse, 1696
  

• Is it too much to ask that women be spared the daily struggle for superhuman beauty in order to offer it to the caresses of a subhumanly ugly mate?  ~Germaine Greer, The Female Eunuch, 1970
  

• A woman can look both moral and exciting... if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle.  ~Edna Ferber
  

• Women have very little idea of how much men hate them.  ~Germaine Greer
  

• Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak.  ~William Shakespeare, As You Like It
  

• Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.  To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.  ~Fran Lebowitz
  

• You're booty-blinded.  You know what that is?  It's like being snow-blinded only it ain't no snow, it's a cute little piece of ass.  ~From the movie I Spy
  

• Men have been paying taco tax for centuries, millennia probably.  ~Rick Claro
  

• Women are never landlocked:  they're always mere minutes away from the briny deep of tears.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• To get to a woman's heart, a man must first use his own.  ~Mike Dobbertin, quoted in A 5th Portion of Chicken Soup for the Soul
  

• Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention.  ~Cornelia Otis Skinner, attributed
  

• Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little.  ~Samuel Johnson
  

Hope these help :-)

• Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal.  ~William Shakespeare
  

• Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.  ~James Thurber
  

• I hate women because they always know where things are.  ~Voltaire
  

• Good-looking girls break hearts, and goodhearted girls mend them.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  

• Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue.  ~Hermione Gingold
  

• The people I'm furious with are the women's liberationists.  They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming women are brighter than men.  That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.  ~Anita Loos, New York Times, 10 February 1974
  

• Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.  ~Author Unknown
  

• No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.  ~H.L. Mencken
  

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