31 May 2005

funny jokes

Two men are escaping from a Mental Hospital late one moonless night. They get to the roof of the hospital and all they have to do is jump a pretty good distance across to the next building and they are home free. The first man, a psychotic and afraid of nothing, is willing jump. The second man, however, is afraid of the dark, and is seriously considering returning to the hospital to deal with the issue. The first man volunteers to jump across with the flashlight they have brought with them, and then shine the light back across to the second man."You can walk across on the beam of light and we will be away." "You must be crazy," replies the second man, "you ll turn the flashlight off when I m halfway across, and I`ll fall!" Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"The guard replies, "They are 3 million, five years, and six months old.""That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was five and a half years ago." A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change. What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed."Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn`t make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn`t see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.""And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor."Yes.""What did it say?""Don`t stand up in the car!" An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound." When you take a long time, you`re slow. When your boss takes a long time, he`s thorough. When you don t do it, you re lazy. When your boss doesn t do it, he s too busy. When you make a mistake, you re an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he s only human. When doing something without being told, you re overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that s initiative. When you take a stand, you re being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he s being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you re being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he s being original. When you please your boss, you re ass creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he s being co-operative. When you re out of the office, you re wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he s on business. When you re on a day off sick, you re always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it s because he s overworked. A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure, madam, which way is it headed?" A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat, and they go.When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?""Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed." When was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, `You`re next.` They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Customer: "Waiter! I asked for Alu Paratha but I find no potatoes in it!" Waiter: "What`s in a name Sir! If you ask for Kashmiri Pulav, will you expect to find Kashmir in it?"

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